About

I am a strong, intelligent, independent woman, a mother, a daughter, a sister and a friend.  I once thought that that was enough to make me immune to ever finding myself in an emotionally abusive relationship.  I was wrong.

As a result, I can now say that I am also a survivor.   Being in an emotionally abusive  relationship was by far, the worst experience of my life.  Being out of it may well prove to be one of the best.  Even a few weeks after the end of the relationship, I was almost startled by my keen awareness of all the goodness that exists around me, and how positive everything in my life is.  Being in that crazy making chaos robbed me of my ability to do that.

I’m not a therapist or a counsellor, so I don’t promise healing, closure or answers.  However, having lived through the experience of covert abuse, I understand how isolating it can be, and how confusing.  This blog is my attempt to make something positive of that experience.  If I can bring some comfort, clarity or relief to even one person trapped in an unhealthy abusive relationship, and if something here inspires her or him to get out of it, then what I have been through was worth it.

 

 

 

One Response to About

  1. Rhonda says:

    The emotional abuse from an ex-boyfriend destroyed me from the inside out, making me believe I was worthless and unlovable. I looked like a mess, and I was. The pain and fear in my heart were excruciating and I only wished there was some way to make sense of the turmoil of emotions that consumed me. I had done everything, absolutely everything to make my ex-boyfriend happy. Yet somehow, it was never enough. When I tried to tell my friends and family what was going on inside my relationship, I struggled to share the incidents, recurring comments, and behavior patterns that created a nausea and anxiousness that I carried with me everywhere- a sickness that became my “normal”. I am writing this so can discern for yourself, or you can be the friend who stands by someone in this situation, offering encouragement, strength, truth, and the hope that can save their life.

    My story:

    Imagine dating a 51-year-old man who lives 3 hours away. You do and do for him. He tells you over and over how amazing you are and how grateful he is for you. You’re the “best person” he has ever known. He gives you a ring on 3 occasions– all 3 times on his knees with the promise to one day get engaged. He claims to have a plan for your future but yells when you ask what it is. He requests that you
    be patient till he either “comes around’ or “figures things out”. He on 2 occasions sets his 7-year-old neighbor up to calling you to ask if you will marry him. You do not want to marry him and you wonder why
    you even care that he is toying with you. He has a small family, has never been married– a loner type guy. But he does have a sweet smile and is more often than not very kind to you. He always opens your car door, he hugs on you constantly—more often than not accompanied with an erection–and he wants to see you every chance he gets, so for now, you choose to overlook the emotional roller coaster. In your mind, he is a “keeper” and someone who needs you so you stay and ignore the red flags.

    You beg to be taken somewhere nice and treated like the girl—you felt like the guy with him– but he never steps up like a man and rarely takes you beyond the Mexican restaurant down the street. There
    was the one dinner at Fox Valley in Maylene and the one dinner in Patton Creek with 2 customers from his dive shop, other than that, you pay for the nicer places. Over time you become so fucked up, you convince yourself he’s worth compensating for so you lie and say you have gift cards to nicer restaurants, a bonus you never got, or you buy a groupon so for one moment you can pretend to be in a “normal”
    relationship. He likes to indulge himself and mocks you for crying over the attention you’re practically begging for. You’re an idiot for staying. You’re not in a normal relationship. You’re dating a man who while fucking you, places his hands around your neck and says, “How do you like that bitch?” According to his
    therapist, putting your hands around a woman’s neck and calling her a bitch is not abusive, it just shows that you have sexual issues. I wonder if he ever asked the therapist what the woman would feel like. You’re dating a man you grow to disgust… yet you stay. What is wrong with you? His disease is infectious. He gives you tips on how to keep him. You think you’re a catch–a good woman– but with him, you’re not. You show him how to wear his hair (grandpa to current) and how to dress. Instead of seeing
    your interest in him, he can’t stop looking in the mirror- he is after all, his favorite person in the world. His joke about “Keep ‘em off” when entering a room or “I’m God’s gift”, all seemed funny–hilarious
    in fact– but as Shakespeare said, “Many a truth is told in jest.”

    You take off work to drive 3 hours south to his home-he lives in Alabama and you live in Tennessee- then head another 4.5 hours to Florida (did this 5 times) to visit his aunt and uncle. While in their company, you listen to his Uncle Bill give you “tips” on how to win over this 51-year-old selfish man. You begin to
    think HE must be the treasure and you’re worthless so you listen. The boyfriend jokes with his uncle as the boyfriend requests you remove your jacket to reveal your “built-in floatation device’. You’re mortified, feeling self-conscious, and never remove your jacket (even while inside their home). Mind you the aunt and uncle have toilet bowl brush cleaners flanking the wall above their bed– they use them to scratch their back. You overlook their weirdness along with the humiliation… they are his family. The aunt is sweet, the uncle is twisted, just like his nephew. The uncle says, “So, Rhonda, are you going to give
    him any of that pussy tonight. You cry. He says you’re too sensitive and defends his uncle. You stay in the aunt and uncle’s FILTHY condo that you cleaned with a broken shoulder. He does nothing to help. He
    does however tell you how lucky you are to have a man who is still hard for you (according to him, most men grow tired of the same woman). At the end of cleaning, you get a 10 minute fuck. He has an orgasm and hands you lubricant– he does not know how to get a woman wet and does not believe in foreplay. Don’t get me wrong, he loves your breasts– “big ‘ol titties” as he called them– and rubbing on your butt cheeks, but in 3 years he never gives you oral pleasure with his tongue or hand. He has a weird obsession with you sitting on his face backwards—and not so he can please you orally, but instead so he can rub his nose on your butt. He calls it “straightening out his neck.” FREAK! While at the filthy condo, your broken shoulder is hurting from all the mopping, you ask him to massage it. He doesn’t. You quietly cry… as you do almost daily with him. Shortly after, you’re called to the bathroom to shave his sideburns and the base of his neck. You enter the room with a tear-stained face, like a true manipulator—to get what he wants—he tells you what a good job you did cleaning and how you cute look. You trim his sideburns and neck, and massage your own shoulder. While in the bathroom you look in the mirror and see a stranger looking back. She’s broken and scared. She’s you as a child and the boyfriend is your abusive father.

    You drive 3 hours to his home numerous times to babysit his dog while he goes on Scuba Diving trips. He never takes you with him– only once do you go as he dives with a customer–a man and his teen aged son– not a group. One weekend– like all weekends you watch his dog–you cleaned his house, did his laundry and picked up dinner for the two of you, and greeted him at the door with a big hug and smile. Later that night (Sunday) as you’re about to leave, he begs you to stay the night and asks that you wake up at 3AM to drive back home for work on Monday. You then ask him, if he wants to be with you so much, what does your future hold– you’ve been dating for over 2 years at this point. He yells at you, tells you you’re nothing but an object and that he’s tired of you bullying him. You head to the garage to leave, but instead, find yourself crying on the floor. He stands over you and tells you that no man would date you to get to know you–you’re only good for being fucked. You drive home and question howyou lost yourself with someone like him. But, yet again, you make up and all is good. You pretend to be happy because he’s not treating you like crap, and it happens all over again.

    Good old-fashioned making out is NEVER a part of your relationship. He pecks on your lips a lot, but like any woman, you want to be grabbed–if just occasionally–loved on and kissed deeply. His idea of affection is grabbing you, pecking your lips, asking you to turn around as he dry humps you from behind. He thinks you should be flattered, when he asks, “Hey darling, why don’t you let me take a video of you, put it online and see how many men jerk off to it?” After hearing this, for the first time in your life, you tell
    someone to FUCK OFF! But, again, you want to fix him, so… you stay. On a typical day, he masturbates while looking at you. For the first 2 years, you believe the lie and allow him to use you. After all, you’re lucky that he finds you so attractive– according to him, other women can only hope their men are STILL into them. This day you’re not believing the lie or feeling attractive, so you do what you do best–
    you cry. He acknowledges your tears and tells you how beautiful you look and if you “Stay in that pose, I will be finished in one minute.” And he was. Tell me, how can a man masturbate while the woman he his
    dating is crying and telling him she feels objectified?! You roll over, shoulders shaking w/your back to him. He bows out his chest and expresses disgust in your mental state and suggests you go home. You
    don’t. Instead you stay and you use this time, while he is at work, to do things to please him so that maybe for one moment, he will see the sweet girl that everyone else sees. You’re no longer the girl who
    enters a room and never meets a stranger. You’re broken, insecure and lonely. Your once tank top bedtime attire has been replaced with yoga pants, t-shirt, bra and socks– you don’t want his disgusting body touching yours. Sex with him is a chore and your sex drive, for the first time in your life, is void! You don’t want it with him or without him. He’s too busy marveling over his erection—the same way a boy of 12 would do. Towards the end of the relationship, he starts to work out and begins to compare himself to others, while of course he is always the better of the two. The most important thing in life is that he is
    finally in decent shape. While you’re fighting, he tells you that no man would want a woman who has gained weight. He then speaks poorly about his overweight neighbor, one business partner’s wife (she was a “looker” when they first met, but overweight today) and the other’s overweight and homely
    girlfriend- they settled and he’s not settling.

    His own mother, even his uncle and business partner all tell you to run. Their ugly words make you feel sorry for the retired, now part-time scuba instructor. Bless his heart. Being the fixer you are, instead of hearing their warning, you defend his character. What a fool.

    His birthday gift from you is an iPad, yours from him a $50 Vanilla Visa Gift Card, along w/2 pair of $7.99 earrings from Stein Mart—the embarrassing gifts are in a white box, unwrapped, with price tags stuck on the back. You never use the gift card or wear the earrings– to you, they symbolized the nothing you had become w/him. Your last birthday w/ him is enjoyed in Toronto, Canada. Sounds exciting, right? Well, it would be if your boyfriend were a real man. But, no, your boyfriend wants you to fly to Toronto early Sunday morning (6AM) to pick up a $1,700 Chocolate Lab (yes, a dog!), and to then spend the night in
    Toronto to then wake up early Monday morning and drive back to Tennessee. You make it home at 2AM and at work by 6:30AM. You pay for your flight but get the money back when you break up– and only because you asked for it–along with the flight money, you ask for the $250 vet bill he owes you.

    You’re not a victim nor are you innocent in this relationship—you played a role in the dysfunction. You tried to make him like you, the same way you tried to make your father like you. Thirty years later you found yourself kneeling on the bed with hands up in prayer position at an abusive man, the same as you did to your father, and saying these words, “Please stop hurting me.” You could not the abuse as a child, and you chose not to leave the abuse as an adult. Today you realize the little girl looking back at is the only person still hurting you today.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s